god is a concept...

...by which we measure our pain - john lennon

each and every one of us has that one defining moment that makes us who we are.  mine came when i was in the sixth grade.  i was in my new science class and the teacher had words something to this effect posted above the blackboard:

"what makes man different from all the other animals is the ability to ask the question 'why?'."

this struck me profoundly at that tender age of eleven as i struggled to understand its significance and it has stayed with me forever after. throughout the ensuing years those words echoed in my mind as i embarked upon many personal journeys and studies of religion, philosophy, science and altered consciousness. i became a truth seeker. and i was seeking the ultimate truth: who am i and why am i here? even as a young child i questioned everything around me not satisfied with the pat answers handed me by teachers, preachers, theologians, society, etc.

Why?

the more i searched the less i found in the way of answers. as i pondered my existence i only found more questions:  why me? why here? why now? what is before time? what is after the universe? how can i comprehend time and space, eternity even, if my point of reference is a linear existence? who am i? why am i? what is the meaning of life? does it have any meaning?

tiger got to hunt
bird got to fly
man got to sit and wonder
why, why, why
tiger got to sleep
bird got to land
man got to tell himself
he understand - bokonon

i look up at the stars and think about primitive man doing the same. what did he think about them? what is out there? is anything out there? are we humans so egotistical as to think that in all of the universe, space eternal, there is no other life as we know it or otherwise? why is it that all religions have one thing in common? that thing being god or gods in the sky/heaven. cave drawings that depict gods descending from the skies and bibles preaching about god in heaven seem to me to be one and the same.

i don't buy into religion. i tried. i looked at many. i wanted to believe, but in the end none made enough sense to me. none had any real answers. i do however, believe that there are mysteries and miracles that are most profound. are we not, in fact, walking miracles? is life itself not a mystery? look at a rock and then look in the mirror. while the physiological make up of that rock may be somewhat complex, we are a most complex organism. are we not? we breathe, we bleed, we multiply and we ask why. so, man needs to understand that which he is incapable of understanding. this is quite the dilemma.

i wonder who it was that first thought up the idea to put an answer to all the unanswerable questions. who are we? we are god's children. where did we come from? god. who made us? god. who is god? god is the almighty, the creator of all things. where is god? god is in heaven. where is heaven? god only knows, but when you die if you're good you'll go there. god always was and always will be. it goes on and on. religion, what a concept. if the answer is "i don't know" just substitute the word god. its so shallow that there isn't even anything to swallow. wouldn't you rather know the truth? wouldn't you like to know if there really is a purpose to this life? although there are hundreds of them, religions just don't provide any real answers. i even thought about starting my own. but i don't have the answers...only the questions.

"...i'm gonna watch you shine, gonna watch you grow..."

the most beautiful thing i've ever seen is my daughter.  the first time i saw her my heart just melted.  she was just minutes old and my eyes beheld a site more profoundly beautiful than anything i'd ever imagined.  granted, my perspective is somewhat biased, but the wave of emotion that flooded my entire being was so overwhelming that i stood there shaking uncontrollably...

 

even before she was born i would sing to her, or more accurately, i would sing to her mother's swollen belly.  there was always music in our house.  i was a half-assed musician and her mother a successful dancer/choreographer.  and alessandra absorbed it all.  as she grew i watched in amazement as her vivid imagination soared.  she loved to read, and she loved to sing and perform.  her first stage performance was when she was still an infant.  her mother was working with an avant garde musician doing an abstract music and dance piece.  there were sheets draped all over the stage with dancers moving through them.  alessandra was silhouetted inside one of these sheets, really more as a prop than anything, but at one point the musicians started doing a call and response jam and she piped in!  it was just baby sounds, but they were in key!  and they were in time with the music!  after the show they told me how they couldn't believe what they heard.  there was another time when she was around two and we were in the supermarket strolling the aisles.  here is this little tyke in the shopping cart seat singing her heart out.  oh yes, even then, she could sing, really sing.  as we strolled the aisles she is singing "you gotta have heart, all you need is heart"...  an older gentleman shopper remarked in utter disbelief that he couldn't believe his ears.  at two years old she could sing in key.  and these were not your typical kiddie songs either.  she loved to perform.  any time there was an audience she would treat us to "the alessandra show".  we would spend many an hour sitting around with me playing guitar and her singing.  one of her favorite songs was "oh bla di oh bla da".  another favorite was jewel's "you were meant for me".  those were good times...and she kept at it.  at nine she landed a role in a local community theater show.  she had lead roles in her high school shows.  now she is in college pursuing a bachelor of fine arts degree studying musical theater at the boston conservatory where in her first tryout she landed a supporting role.  

this is just the beginning of her story...

nobody said it would be fair...

snafu...that old army acronym for "situation normal all fucked up" for some strange reason just popped into my head. this is not an inordinate occurrence, but it does happen frequently enough. maybe it's because we seem to be living in a gigantic snafu right now. if you think about it, what isn't all fucked up right now? okay, one thing: bush is gone, but other than that?
the puppet masters are currently waging at least six wars:
   against iraq
   against afghanistan
   against terror
   against drugs
   against our civil liberties (remember those?)
   against common sense
there are probably more, but these come readily to mind. this is fucked up.
the economy is fucked up.
the job market is fucked up. 
the real estate market is fucked up.
the auto industry is fucked up.
gasoline prices are fucked up.
manufacturing is fucked up.
the education system is fucked up.
immigration is fucked up.
homelessness is fucked up.
the health care system is fucked up. 
the banking system is fucked up.
wall street is fucked up.
the ports are fucked up.
the airports are fucked up.
the infrastructure (roads, bridges, etc) is fucked up.
bail outs are fucked up.
the two party system is definitely fucked up.
so, it seems to me that pretty much everything is fucked up...

one definition of normal is: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle.  conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern

so if everything is fucked up, then fucked up is normal, hence snafu.
one gigantic snafu.

"once upon a time..."

i've been listening to the radio since i was seven years old.  i used to lay in bed at night under the covers with a transistor radio and listen until i fell asleep.  it was crappy AM top forty music, but i didn't care.  i was mystified by this little magical device.  a few years later i had one of those old record players that looked like a suitcase and only played 45s.  i had to tape a nickel to the tone arm to weigh it down and keep the needle from jumping out of the grooves.  but this was one of my most prized possessions.  i loved those old 45 rpm records, those little black discs of pure happiness.  along comes february 1964 and the beatles are on the ed sullivan show.  i had to have a guitar.  and thus began a life long love affair with wood and strings.  a few more years passed and i acquired a small table radio.  i listened constantly.  this was an FM radio!

one day this sound like no other i ever heard comes out the speaker.  whack!  and then it's a rambling rolling sound with the words "once upon a time, you dressed so fine, threw the bums a dime, in your prime. didn't you?..." and that voice!  what the hell is this?  i already was a beatles fan, but this was something else entirely.  this was different.  no one sounded like this.  and those words...pouring out of that little box with such urgency, such intensity, such excitement:  "...you said you'd never compromise, with the mystery tramp, but now you realize, he's not selling any alibis, as you stare into the vacuum of his eyes, and ask him, do you want to, make a deeeeaaaaalllll?..." and it went on and on...for six friggin' minutes!  now, that may not seem like much in today's world, but this was back in the days of two and a half minute radio friendly ditties and things like that just weren't done.  after all, who would listen to a song that long?  "...you used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat, who carried on his shoulder a siamese cat, ain't it hard when you discover that, he really wasn't where it's at, after he took from you everything he could steeeaaaaallll, how does it feel?..."  WTF!  i was hooked!  i had to hear more.  whenever i managed to scrape a few dollars together i'd go out and buy one of his records and live with it, playing it over and over until i knew every word.  i learned the songs on the guitar and only played dylan, nothing else.  i wished i could sing like that.

the years passed.  musical styles came and went.  the beatles broke up, the stones didn't.  jimi and janis died.  the 60s were gone.  the 70s were gone.  the new millennium was upon us.  modern music became categorized and commercialized, but still i listened to bob.  somehow he was still relevant, he still mattered.  and he still does.  he doesn't sing like he used to.  some would say he can't sing at all (and never could).  but not me.  i still listen.  it was that thin wild mercury music that originally drew me in, but i'm still there.  he will turn seventy next year and you know what?  he is still out there.  he's still making records and is still out there on the road playing.  he just played the firggin' white house for crissakes!  he became what he set out to be...the wandering minstrel...just a song and dance man...long may you run brother...and may you indeed stay forever young...

is it rolling bob?

"...see no future...pay no rent..."

thought i'd start out with my world view, as bleak as it is.  collapse is imminent.  the pieces are all now firmly in place.  your civil liberties are just a footnote in history.  unless you are in, you are out.  out of luck, out of hope and out of time.  the war machine marches on putting billions, not millions, in the pockets of the masters of war.  these wars have nothing to do with terror or freedom.  its all about money.  jobs?  our president says we must create jobs.  why is that?  why are there no jobs?  could it be because jobs have been systematically leaving the country for the past thirty years?  meanwhile those who send what once were our jobs overseas suffer no consequence, but rather reap rewards for ruining our economy by doing so.  it is quite simple really.  if people don't work, they don't spend.  if they don't spend, the economy grinds to a halt.  for my entire life i've heard people say the middle class is the backbone of our country.  why then is it being dismantled?  who will support the needy and the rich once the base has collapsed?  buy a house with no money, don't pay for it to the point of foreclosure and then the govt will take care of you.  pay your note on time so you can lose 20-30% of your home's value only to sell short?  drive to the supermarket in your escalade with your jewelry dangling talking on your iphone in your designer clothes and pay with food stamps?  press one for english?  healthcare?  are you kidding me?  how is forcing me to buy insurance whether i have a job or not going to benefit me?  it will only benefit insurance companies.  bail out wall street and the big banks.  do you think the average blue collar worker (who might be lucky enough to have a job, but no 401K) gives a crap about wall street?  wall street has been playing a shell game for decades.  the big banks have been systematically closing the small banks.  the national average of bank closings is thirty a year.  last year there were over a hundred and thirty.  the big three fail miserably yet ceo gets millions in bonus.  what happened to the great american cars?  it was only fifty years ago that they ruled the road.  now they are built with planned obsolescence and all look the same.  where is quality?  what happened to our ideals?  we sold them out along with everything else.  if you believe in false idols, then now is the time to get down on your knees are pray to them.  pray for salvation, forgiveness or whatever, and when you are through go out and graze with all the other sheep.  or do something...anything, but get your head out of the sand and open your eyes.  look at what is happening.  how can it continue?  can it not continue?  what is the outcome?  greed is running rampant and no one, no one, is doing anything about it.  once the bottom completely falls out, then what?  how long will it take?  will anyone survive?  do you think all this is coincidental?  wasn't it j edgar who said there is no such thing as coincidence?  or is it something else?  are the puppet masters privy to something you are not?