god is a concept...

...by which we measure our pain - john lennon

each and every one of us has that one defining moment that makes us who we are.  mine came when i was in the sixth grade.  i was in my new science class and the teacher had words something to this effect posted above the blackboard:

"what makes man different from all the other animals is the ability to ask the question 'why?'."

this struck me profoundly at that tender age of eleven as i struggled to understand its significance and it has stayed with me forever after. throughout the ensuing years those words echoed in my mind as i embarked upon many personal journeys and studies of religion, philosophy, science and altered consciousness. i became a truth seeker. and i was seeking the ultimate truth: who am i and why am i here? even as a young child i questioned everything around me not satisfied with the pat answers handed me by teachers, preachers, theologians, society, etc.

Why?

the more i searched the less i found in the way of answers. as i pondered my existence i only found more questions:  why me? why here? why now? what is before time? what is after the universe? how can i comprehend time and space, eternity even, if my point of reference is a linear existence? who am i? why am i? what is the meaning of life? does it have any meaning?

tiger got to hunt
bird got to fly
man got to sit and wonder
why, why, why
tiger got to sleep
bird got to land
man got to tell himself
he understand - bokonon

i look up at the stars and think about primitive man doing the same. what did he think about them? what is out there? is anything out there? are we humans so egotistical as to think that in all of the universe, space eternal, there is no other life as we know it or otherwise? why is it that all religions have one thing in common? that thing being god or gods in the sky/heaven. cave drawings that depict gods descending from the skies and bibles preaching about god in heaven seem to me to be one and the same.

i don't buy into religion. i tried. i looked at many. i wanted to believe, but in the end none made enough sense to me. none had any real answers. i do however, believe that there are mysteries and miracles that are most profound. are we not, in fact, walking miracles? is life itself not a mystery? look at a rock and then look in the mirror. while the physiological make up of that rock may be somewhat complex, we are a most complex organism. are we not? we breathe, we bleed, we multiply and we ask why. so, man needs to understand that which he is incapable of understanding. this is quite the dilemma.

i wonder who it was that first thought up the idea to put an answer to all the unanswerable questions. who are we? we are god's children. where did we come from? god. who made us? god. who is god? god is the almighty, the creator of all things. where is god? god is in heaven. where is heaven? god only knows, but when you die if you're good you'll go there. god always was and always will be. it goes on and on. religion, what a concept. if the answer is "i don't know" just substitute the word god. its so shallow that there isn't even anything to swallow. wouldn't you rather know the truth? wouldn't you like to know if there really is a purpose to this life? although there are hundreds of them, religions just don't provide any real answers. i even thought about starting my own. but i don't have the answers...only the questions.

"...i'm gonna watch you shine, gonna watch you grow..."

the most beautiful thing i've ever seen is my daughter.  the first time i saw her my heart just melted.  she was just minutes old and my eyes beheld a site more profoundly beautiful than anything i'd ever imagined.  granted, my perspective is somewhat biased, but the wave of emotion that flooded my entire being was so overwhelming that i stood there shaking uncontrollably...

 

even before she was born i would sing to her, or more accurately, i would sing to her mother's swollen belly.  there was always music in our house.  i was a half-assed musician and her mother a successful dancer/choreographer.  and alessandra absorbed it all.  as she grew i watched in amazement as her vivid imagination soared.  she loved to read, and she loved to sing and perform.  her first stage performance was when she was still an infant.  her mother was working with an avant garde musician doing an abstract music and dance piece.  there were sheets draped all over the stage with dancers moving through them.  alessandra was silhouetted inside one of these sheets, really more as a prop than anything, but at one point the musicians started doing a call and response jam and she piped in!  it was just baby sounds, but they were in key!  and they were in time with the music!  after the show they told me how they couldn't believe what they heard.  there was another time when she was around two and we were in the supermarket strolling the aisles.  here is this little tyke in the shopping cart seat singing her heart out.  oh yes, even then, she could sing, really sing.  as we strolled the aisles she is singing "you gotta have heart, all you need is heart"...  an older gentleman shopper remarked in utter disbelief that he couldn't believe his ears.  at two years old she could sing in key.  and these were not your typical kiddie songs either.  she loved to perform.  any time there was an audience she would treat us to "the alessandra show".  we would spend many an hour sitting around with me playing guitar and her singing.  one of her favorite songs was "oh bla di oh bla da".  another favorite was jewel's "you were meant for me".  those were good times...and she kept at it.  at nine she landed a role in a local community theater show.  she had lead roles in her high school shows.  now she is in college pursuing a bachelor of fine arts degree studying musical theater at the boston conservatory where in her first tryout she landed a supporting role.  

this is just the beginning of her story...